a two perfect march in the spring of '82

You there.

What brought this on? Who are you and what have you done with that boy?

Transitions.

Metamorphosis.

Chameleon.

Will a leopard ever become a cheetah?

Change. Try it. It will do you some good.

You would have been 16 today.

I miss you everyday. Everyday.....

At least it's one day closer to seeing you......

Happy Birthday.

Love,
Ko Ko

Rawrrrrr

Much has happened in the past nine months. In fact, nine months later, TWO babies appeared from heaven, SIX marriage proposals (which means there will be SIX weddings this year!), ONE new college mate from me church, ONE new guitar in the works, TEN more months before I graduate and THOUSANDS of ringgit to be "invested" this year (ngek ngek ngek).

The past nine months have been an emotional and physically tiring ride that caused me to be jaded. Jaded may not be an accurate term to describe how I feel but it's along those lines. I want to get it over and done with. I'm tired of being torn all the time. Already, it's hard to cope with the distance and frequent absence, the demands increase. The bar sets itself higher.

How on earth does one deal with this with good attitude when time is precious? It frustrates me to a point where I'd rather not care about the call of duty.

Oh well...

Only one year left. Gotta make it a good year. Been having too many bad years in my books. Don't understand why I keep finding myself on the wrong side of things. It appears that I'm not fitting that well into the mold. Hasn't that always been the case anyway? I am a misfit but at the same time a chameleon. Go figure.

Just got back from camp.

New experience. Never felt this way before at camp. Not sure what I felt.

But what I do know is that I walked down memory lane here.

It all started with the children service on the last night. Ps. J wanted to pray for the kids for the baptism of the Holy Spirit that night. So we were there to support and pray for them too. And so began the night.

We saw about 25 kids filled with the Holy Spirit. All experiencing Him in their unique special way. Kids that are complicated. Kids that are smarter than I was when I was 12. Kids that go through a lot in life. All experiencing God for the very 1st time in their lives. Some cried, some beamed with excitement (mostly boys), some sat down in stillness and silence to hear from God. Some were nervous, some were confused with what they felt. Some could not understand the feeling of conviction and holiness. All met God that night.

That brought me down memory lane.

I asked God to bring me to a place where I needed something to go on in life. Something which I can hold on to despite having to face much confusion. Something that I know for sure that will confirm the authencity of my call.

God brought me back to where it all started. 12 years old. My 1st encounter with Him. The first time I experience the Holy Spirit. That started it all. The passion. The conviction. The call.

I teared that night, watching all the kids being baptised. I knew that for me, it started with that. It got complicated along the way as I tried to balance my theology and understanding of spiritual things.

I knew at that point, it was what I needed to hold on to. My beginnings. The only way I can get through this phase is to look back to keep looking forward. May not work for some but it works for me.

For now.

All seems quiet now.
The winds have died down. The storm is over.
All feels serene. Why is it so?

I can see the ground now. The waters have receded and the dust clears.

I know what I have to do now. And I need to do it well. Not all is lost neither is all achieved.

Though caught in the middle sometimes, I do not have to chose sides. I need to fuse both together. I will continue to journey with tenacity and not give up.

*selah*

The music resides in me. Gotta know how to bring it out. Gotta let it naturally stream. Gotta not let anybody tell me otherwise. They have their own call and I have mine. Will work hard to bring something that's of worth to the table. Gonna make You proud one day. Thus begins my cocoon phase.

*selah*

Joy of seeing others break out of their shell leaps in my heart. I hope that you will open your eyes to see beyond what you see now. There is so much more out there and I hope that you will feel the same heart beat I feel. There will always be problems within and around your world but there are also problems out there which need your attention. The 2nd mile is yours to go if you will.

*selah*

Wherever Your will takes me, I will need Your strength to go.
Whenever Your voice utters, I will need faith to believe.
Whoever You send me to, I will need Your compassion to care.
However You use me, I will need Your grace to see me through.
Whatever You ask me to do, I will need Your wisdom to teach me.

I cannot take this anymore

I feel my life is crashing like before

The circumstances pushed me to this place

Why did you slap me in the face?

I cry out with no voice

No one can hear me make all this noise

The cuts are deep and the bruises hurt

Why did you treat me like dirt?

Where is my savior?

Where is my deliverer?

Am I all alone?

Like that woman, am I to be stoned?

A light, a hand, a grip, a word

A grace I’ve never heard

A forgiveness I’ve never felt

A love that seem to melt

Brought to a place so secure

A plane where I can be sure

I am no longer alone

No longer on my own

This peace I feel

Makes me real

This serenity so sweet

Heals me, bring me back on my feet

Stillness so calm, so gentle

I can find my soul settle

In this place my rest is nestled

I have found my solitude

In You

I see pieces of my life strewn over

The fall was hard

The pain is great

Soul regain looks impossible

I see the pieces strewn over

I hold a piece in my hand

I feel the edges

Where did this fit before this?

Pieces are puzzles

I will never find what fits where

Just too many pieces

Broken

The pain is too great

I lash at those trying to pick up a piece

MINE!

Stay away!

Flashing my fangs

Growling deep within

Pleasure came up to me

She sold me some glue

Fix it

It works

You won’t feel the pain anymore

But the pieces wouldn’t hold

In a blink

It all came apart

Time

Over time the pieces lay strewn

But over time the pieces shift

Fitting itself back together

An invisible hand

Picks up one by one

And like a jigsaw

Puts it back together

There were no more seams

Every piece fit

So trace of brokenness

This jar of clay is whole

Beauty of heavenly glory

Adorns this jar no longer tainted

The potter is also the painter

This jar has color once again

Has life again

This life feels secure

No need for her glue

No need for defense
You melt my defense with Your touch

The potter knows best

Brokenness is part of His work

Brokenness makes me stronger