Today I shall use a different color.
I was looking forward to playing my usual Wednesday nite basketball game in Puchong. My weekly stress therapy other than the retail therapy that I often indulge in on a monthly basis.
So another nite is wasted in moping around in my room. I seriously have to get out of this state of being. It's slowly eating away at my inner most person.
I feel like Anakin Skywalker. All that anger and rage all welt up inside is beginning to change me from the inside out. The Dark Side of the Force attracts. I channel all my rage to......Battlefield 2!
You know, I want to tell myself that my week will get better starting tomorrow but I don't believe in all this "just tell yourself that it is gonna be alright" nonsense. I have no power or ability to foresee the future or to change the course of my day.
I do not even sound like a BCM student. Where has my faith gone? Where has my light gone? Is it stolen?
I'm wreck. I think as of today, I've hit rock bottom. It's official. Ladies and gentlemen, Jon Koo is at his lowest moment in life. I bet 'someone' is laughing at me now. I can hear the enemy snickering. He's got me where he wanted me.
Someone told me just now that I'm not a quitter and that I've never been. It's really hard to believe that now.
Where are you O' Lord? How far have I gone from Your presence?
Where art thou my Deliverer? Would Your love still envelope me?
Will Your hand of grace grab a hold of me?
When will You lift my head again?
My head is hung low. My countenance is stricken.
I want to get back on my feet. I want to jump back to life.
I feel chained down. I no longer have strength.
Will You yet save me again from my self destruction?
Deliver me from my enemy.
I feel like Samson. I feel like David. I feel like Peter.
From the pits I cry out.
My Lord! My God! Save me!
Cast me not away from Your presence. And take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of my salvation. A broken spirit and a contrite heart You will not despise.
You desire truth from my inward being.
Let Your truth set me free from the bondage of sin and death. I do not want to feel like dying anymore.
I want to feel free and want to live again.
Give me strength to take up my sword. Give me courage to face the battlefield.
I know You are near. I know You are there when I call.
I know You will lift up my head again. I know that I will begin to sing Your praises and declare Your glory the day You save me. So come Lord Jesus, and save me! Hurry! I am drowning!
Hide me under Your wing. Let me find refuge in You.
Let me run to You. Embrace me once again in Your saving grace.
I am nothing without You. I have nothing without You.
I am no one without You.
Lord, only You will I have a reason to be alive again.
Jonathan Koo
2nd Nov 2006
I cannot understand or explain what I am going through.
It feels like my world is spinning out of control. My control.
This time 'round, it feels like being 16 all over again. The uncontrollable rage. The temper. The depression.
I can't seem to get off this plane. I am angry at so many things.
I do not want to please people anymore. They are not worth it.
My disappointments has crossed over to anger and frustrations. It has caused me to be who I was years ago. I thought I had already dealt with this. It feels like a crashing wave over my soul. I keep drowning.
This could be my darkest entry ever. I don't think anyone has seen this side of me before. Too bad.
I'm on the verge of snapping. Beat it. Don't come near least you get your teeth kicked.
Warning: UNSTABLE.
I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!
If anything can go wrong, it will. If it weren't for Capt. Edward A. Murphy, I would be venting my anger at someone else.
8:30am, I wake up to an annoying sound of my phone's alarm which I had totally forgotten to reset its timer to a later hour. Trying so hard to sleep last nite just messed up my morning. I wanted to do tonnes of things today but ended up doing NOTHING!
That's how pathetic my day went. Woke up with a raving headache. Yes, it was a RAVING headache. Just like those stupid raves where the loud heavy music just keeps thumping. My apologies to those who enjoy such parties. The headache just threw me off my entire schedule.
I did not manage to get back to my dorm earlier in the day as opposed to what I had planned. My car starting acting up by guzzling loads of fuel every 10km or so (it's a freaking stupid little Kelisa). Must be the fuel hose or the gear box. I don't know, I'm not a car whiz. Ask me about shopping and clothes and guitars but never ask me about the anatomy of a car. I know nuts.
When I finally get back to my dorm, the pastor-in-charge reprimands me for not coming back earlier to do my Christian duty. I tried to explain but rules are rules. The one time I had an accidental mistake, I get rapped for it (not raped, just in case you did not know the difference). It's not that I do not want to fulfill my Christian duties (ie, wash the toilets, clean the room) and it's not that I have complained about it. But the ONE TIME I was trying to be responsible by telling them I could not do it because of my situation, I still get that slap.
So, in short, it was a totally.......................... up day. (Fill in the blanks yourself. I'm just not bothered).
I can just imagine the week ahead. If this keeps up, I am gonna rip someone's head off. The timebomb is ticking and counting down.
Back to the topic. Lots have happened since I last blogged at blogspot.com. Decided to change to Vox.com 'cause www.fad32gr3y.vox.com sounds nicer. Yes, I'm THAT shallow.
Lemme see, the events that happened in my life have been......what's that word? Life changing. I've never really expressed my emotions or even reacted in dramatic manners towards the episodes that took place. Maybe I am just like that - bottled up with emotions. Freudians would say that I am like a timebomb waiting to unleash a pandemonium of rage. What do you think?
I think many would know by now that I am in Bible College of Malaysia - spending a total of 3 years to eventually come out *confused* more than ever about my life's purpose and faith in God. I was just kidding about the *confused* part. Main reason I am in there is because it's the only institution in KL that has the best system of biblical and ministerial education. Why am I there? I had nothing better to do so I quit my job and went in there to wash toilets and try to interpret the Bible.
Of course, that's just my way of showing how fond I am of BCM. I had a call in my college years (donkey's years ago). God rang the telephone and I accidentally picked it up. Haha. Again, I'm such a joker.
I discovered my life's calling at the "tender" age of 18. Since then, I had been running to and fro the call. One moment I would feel so drawn towards the call of God, the next I would find myself trying to escape it. I wonder if that's what it does to a person. Come the year 2005, a rainy October. A month I would never look at the same again. Jeremy, my most adorable and lovable brother was called home. It's been a year now and it still hurts. I do not share this with anyone except with God in the silence of my room.
Many would kinda call that a darkest moment in one's life. To me, that was my defining moment. I knew that the CALL on my life was so tangible and real. Months back, God had prepared and challenged me to fulfill my call. I knew He was taking Jeremy home because He told me so very specifically. Am I sounding too spiritual and hocus pocus? It isn't to me 'cause this supernatural part of life has become so natural in mine. People say that God is just a figment of our imagination, someone or something created in our minds to help us connect with what is void spiritually in our lives. Now THAT'S HOCUS POCUS.
Now, looking back the past year, it has been hard. People come up to me and ask me how's college and how's life. I find that I cannot answer them with an honest answer or something general. It has been the hardest question ever. Life is not a bed of thorns if that's what you're asking me. Life is a narrow road at the moment. It's hard sometimes to find my footing and it's hard to walk it so carefully and diligently. I find that the things that gave me satisfaction now no longer does and the things that I habitually do is beginning to peel itself so painfully from me. The road is narrow and few actually finish walking it.
I have just started mine.
