20 posts from 2008

Just got back from camp.

New experience. Never felt this way before at camp. Not sure what I felt.

But what I do know is that I walked down memory lane here.

It all started with the children service on the last night. Ps. J wanted to pray for the kids for the baptism of the Holy Spirit that night. So we were there to support and pray for them too. And so began the night.

We saw about 25 kids filled with the Holy Spirit. All experiencing Him in their unique special way. Kids that are complicated. Kids that are smarter than I was when I was 12. Kids that go through a lot in life. All experiencing God for the very 1st time in their lives. Some cried, some beamed with excitement (mostly boys), some sat down in stillness and silence to hear from God. Some were nervous, some were confused with what they felt. Some could not understand the feeling of conviction and holiness. All met God that night.

That brought me down memory lane.

I asked God to bring me to a place where I needed something to go on in life. Something which I can hold on to despite having to face much confusion. Something that I know for sure that will confirm the authencity of my call.

God brought me back to where it all started. 12 years old. My 1st encounter with Him. The first time I experience the Holy Spirit. That started it all. The passion. The conviction. The call.

I teared that night, watching all the kids being baptised. I knew that for me, it started with that. It got complicated along the way as I tried to balance my theology and understanding of spiritual things.

I knew at that point, it was what I needed to hold on to. My beginnings. The only way I can get through this phase is to look back to keep looking forward. May not work for some but it works for me.

For now.

All seems quiet now.
The winds have died down. The storm is over.
All feels serene. Why is it so?

I can see the ground now. The waters have receded and the dust clears.

I know what I have to do now. And I need to do it well. Not all is lost neither is all achieved.

Though caught in the middle sometimes, I do not have to chose sides. I need to fuse both together. I will continue to journey with tenacity and not give up.

*selah*

The music resides in me. Gotta know how to bring it out. Gotta let it naturally stream. Gotta not let anybody tell me otherwise. They have their own call and I have mine. Will work hard to bring something that's of worth to the table. Gonna make You proud one day. Thus begins my cocoon phase.

*selah*

Joy of seeing others break out of their shell leaps in my heart. I hope that you will open your eyes to see beyond what you see now. There is so much more out there and I hope that you will feel the same heart beat I feel. There will always be problems within and around your world but there are also problems out there which need your attention. The 2nd mile is yours to go if you will.

*selah*

Wherever Your will takes me, I will need Your strength to go.
Whenever Your voice utters, I will need faith to believe.
Whoever You send me to, I will need Your compassion to care.
However You use me, I will need Your grace to see me through.
Whatever You ask me to do, I will need Your wisdom to teach me.

I cannot take this anymore

I feel my life is crashing like before

The circumstances pushed me to this place

Why did you slap me in the face?

I cry out with no voice

No one can hear me make all this noise

The cuts are deep and the bruises hurt

Why did you treat me like dirt?

Where is my savior?

Where is my deliverer?

Am I all alone?

Like that woman, am I to be stoned?

A light, a hand, a grip, a word

A grace I’ve never heard

A forgiveness I’ve never felt

A love that seem to melt

Brought to a place so secure

A plane where I can be sure

I am no longer alone

No longer on my own

This peace I feel

Makes me real

This serenity so sweet

Heals me, bring me back on my feet

Stillness so calm, so gentle

I can find my soul settle

In this place my rest is nestled

I have found my solitude

In You

I see pieces of my life strewn over

The fall was hard

The pain is great

Soul regain looks impossible

I see the pieces strewn over

I hold a piece in my hand

I feel the edges

Where did this fit before this?

Pieces are puzzles

I will never find what fits where

Just too many pieces

Broken

The pain is too great

I lash at those trying to pick up a piece

MINE!

Stay away!

Flashing my fangs

Growling deep within

Pleasure came up to me

She sold me some glue

Fix it

It works

You won’t feel the pain anymore

But the pieces wouldn’t hold

In a blink

It all came apart

Time

Over time the pieces lay strewn

But over time the pieces shift

Fitting itself back together

An invisible hand

Picks up one by one

And like a jigsaw

Puts it back together

There were no more seams

Every piece fit

So trace of brokenness

This jar of clay is whole

Beauty of heavenly glory

Adorns this jar no longer tainted

The potter is also the painter

This jar has color once again

Has life again

This life feels secure

No need for her glue

No need for defense
You melt my defense with Your touch

The potter knows best

Brokenness is part of His work

Brokenness makes me stronger

Lately I've been trying to work on writing creatively with droplets of creative juice that runs from a tightly squeezed brain. I wish I was as creative as some musicians or poets or as some journalists or storytellers. Nevertheless, I have to start somewhere. Since God is a creative God, I believe that I can be creative too.

Haha..I think...

So I will try to post up some of my work for feedback :)

The danger of developing low self esteem might just arise but there's always risks anyway. So bring it on! :)

So here are my thoughts in poetic form. I find it dark. Maybe that's because I love to write whenever I am feel down. It brings out the raw emotions that I need to release so that I don't sink into depression.

Tell me what you think *bracing myself*

It has been 4 years...

Time flies by so quickly.

I want to remember how you kissed me. I want to remember how you smelled whenever I sniffed your head. I want to remember how your eyes always speak to me. I want to remember how you hugged me. I want to remember the times spent with you. I just can't on this day. I don't know why. Every year this time, this day, this moment, I try so hard to remember but I just can't.

It frustrates me because I just miss you so much.

It's May 5th. It's always the happiest day of our lives. You brought out so much in us, in me. You gave us so much. Gave me so much.

Everyday I think of you. I think of what you are doing now with Him. All the things you wanted to do. All the questions and words you wanted to utter. All the games you wanted to play. All the songs you wanted to sing. All the laughter you had in you. I know you cry no more nor you suffer in pain no more. I know you can run all you want and jump as high as you want. I am glad you are in a better place. A beautiful place beyond description. A place where we will meet again. I hope I can recognise you. The first thing I will do is run and hug you. And I know this hug will definitely last an eternity.

The day you left was the same day I told God I'm going in. It's been 4 years since now. I'm still here. Running my race. I wish I was strong as you enduring the race. I wish I was as strong as you enduring the challenges. I'm still holding the baton. I'm still running. And I will finish because..........I WILL.

I will continue to miss you dearly. As all of us will. We will see you soon...but not yet.

I love you so much, Jeremy.

Your ko ko.

There is bumper sticker that says "On Call : God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the call."

I have never felt qualified. Never. In fact, I have always felt that I do not belong to that place. The level of intellect there is beyond me. The "scholars-to-be" scare me. The intensity of the "holier than thou" annoys me. Some think they are always right. Some think they have what it takes. And most do not care. They say they care. They say they are ministers of the gospel and yet they do not really care a hair's breadth for others in the field. Only those who are convenient and of the same bird cage.

I have no idea till today why I was chosen. The privilege is an honor but the comprehension of it baffles me. I honestly do not have a lot of smarts in me. It has never been good enough to bring to the table. I have no experience. I have no qualifications. I am below the required level of substance. Yet, here I am.

What is Your plan in all this? Where do I fit in eventually? There's so much that needs to be done in this life while I'm still in here.

I have nothing to bring to Your table. You said You will see me through. Please. I really need it. My own strength fails me. You said Your hand is upon me and all I have to do is allow You to place me wherever You desire. I find that I do not fit.

Is this a cycle that I am going through again? Please help me. I look at my plate, I find nothing worthy to bring to Your table. I look at my efforts, I find it unworthy. I look at myself, I see a misfit.

Please show me what I can bring to Your table.

Dear Diarrheee.....a :)

It was a lovely day today. I had such fun playing with the butterflies and prancing in fields of daisy. Oh, what a bliss it was. The roses and lilies' aromatic fragrance filled the air and it tickled my senses. Oh Diarheee...a, I will never forget this day. Never. Good night.

YEAH RIGHT!

My goodness. The rain! The lightning and thunder! It was brighter in the office than it was outside! Ugh.

At least basketball later is indoors and hopefully the players there are in a good mood too. Time for some whooping.

In any case, it was been a fruitful day. Despite the lack of inspiration today, I shall post a rather short one with boring black fonts that will hurt your eyes when you squint long enough reading it.

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Did I mention I have a verbal constipation? The congestion is killing me. So much on my mind but am constipating. Need to take a mental laxative. Simpsons........... ;)

Will blablabla later.

Peace out.

Today's favourite letter is...'S'

S is for....

Sunshine...
Storm...
StreSSSS.....
STUPIDiTY......
S      t         r           e           t             c                  h ....

Strife....

Sanity.....

S  a  l  v  a  t  i  o  n